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Thursday, July 10, 2008

He's Just Not That Into You: A Play In One Hopeless Act.

THE SCENE: The bottom of a church basement, the place of many an AA meeting. Coffee cups, cigarette butts and cookie crumbs are strewn everywhere. A long cafeteria-style table is at the front of the room, with a podium next to it. Seated at the table are MARKOS MOULITSAS, CHRIS BOWERS, ARMANDO LLORENS (BIG TENT DEMOCRAT), JOHN ARAVOSIS, ANDREW SULLIVAN and ARIANNA HUFFINGTON. The boys all wear chinos and button-down shirts. KOS has an orange band around his head - almost like a crown. ARIANNA is wearing her traditional camisole-as-shirt and eyeing the men flirtatiously. SULLIVAN sports a snappy bowtie.

At the podium are the authors of the book, "He's Just Not That Into You," GREG BEHRENDT and LIZ TUCILLO. Throughout this whole play, GREG and LIZ speak to the bloggers in a typical motivational-speaker way - in other words, as if they are eight-year-old children.

Above the podium a sign reads, "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU." GREG and LIZ also have nametags on. LIZ bangs a gavel to bring the meeting to order.

LIZ (brightly): Hello, everyone! I'm Liz -

GREG: And I'm Greg -

TOGETHER: And welcome to, He's Just Not That Into You!

LIZ [sobering quickly]: Today, we're here to talk to you about Senator Barack Obama. You all supported him pretty strongly in the primaries, didn't you? [The bloggers all nod.] Now, why did you do that?

BTD: I didn't REALLY like him better. I just thought he was more electable than Hillary.

KOS: He wasn't Hillary! I hate that bitch! And besides, the Clinton Era is over. O-V-E-R!! The time of the blogger is NOW! We are crashing the gate! Obama is the progressive leader who will make our concerns his own. Power to the people!

ARAVOSIS and HUFFINGTON: Yeah! What he said!

SULLIVAN: I hate Hillary too, but Obama? He is Jesus and Elvis. He is the most historic, transformational -

GREG: Um, yes, we get it. Thank you, Andrew. Chris, what about you?

BOWERS: Obama is just like me! We drink the same beer PBR OMG OMG we go to Whole Foods!!! [becomes a little dizzy; ARIANNA solicitously pats his arm and offers him a drink of water]

LIZ: Whoa, take it easy there, Chris. I think we understand. Thanks, everyone, for your input. So, you guys all picked Obama as the nominee, and he won. Good for you!

[Everyone high-fives - HUFFINGTON leans forward, smiling and flashing her cleavage a bit.]

GREG: Yes, good for you. Now, let's talk about what's been happening lately. I heard he's been going back on his promises and has stopped returning your calls. No matter what you do, you can't seem to get his attention - and now he's done something that really hurts your feelings. He voted to legalize Bush's warrantless wiretapping and immunize the telecom companies from prosecution. Is that about on target?

BTD: Ha! Don't make me out to be like one of these losers. I always saw Obama clearly. Pols are pols. Either he was lying then or he's lying now, but no matter what, I'm going to vote for him because he's a Democrat.

SULLIVAN: Oh, the FISA thing is no big deal. What is starting to bother me is his personality. Maybe he's a little too full of himself lately. Still, there's no denying what a transformational moment his presidency would be!

BOWERS: Doo-bee-doo-bee-doo. Hey, look at this pretty electoral map I made!

KOS: I'm very fucking annoyed. Those ridiculous PUMAs will only feel vindicated now. Of course, everyone knows he will still be a great President, so it will all work out in the end.

HUFFINGTON: Well, I have nothing to say on the matter. I'd rather talk about Karl Rove!

ARAVOSIS: Barack who? It was the Senate that passed the FISA bill.

[LIZ and GREG look at each other, puzzled.]

LIZ: Gosh, folks, you don't seem to be getting what I'm saying here. Barack Obama promised to filibuster the FISA amendment bill if it contained telecom immunity. This was very important to all of you. You thought it made him special and progressive and unique. Then, he went back on his promise. Worse than that, Hillary Clinton kept her promise and voted against telecom immunity, so it looks like maybe you were wrong to hate her so. Meanwhile, Senator Obama has been "refining" more positions lately - including pretending he did not promise to immediately withdraw troops from Iraq and have everyone home in 16 months - but he says he will, right on his website!

Don't you feel betrayed, like Joan Walsh? Don't you feel like maybe, just maybe, he's not that into you?

[All the bloggers squirm in their seats and are silent. Finally KOS takes the lead.]

KOS [standing]: Jesus Christ. I don't have to take this crap. Obama's my guy and I'm sticking by him.

BOWERS: [standing] Me too. And he loves me, he really does. I know it in my heart! He'll come back to me after he's President.

BTD [standing, disgusted]: Ahhhh, this New Age crap is for the birds. Obama's a Democrat and that's all I care about. I'm outta here.

ARAVOSIS: [standing] McCain sucks. Obama forever!

HUFFINGTON: [standing] Well I, personally, have no problems with what Obama did on FISA. He's just pandering to get elected. I AM the one I've been waiting for. Good-bye! [they are all leaving]

SULLIVAN: [standing] Well, I personally think Obama's just fine, as long as he doesn't get too big a head. I don't even know what I'm doing here. Later! [he follows the others out the door]

[LIZ and GREG look at each other in astonishment. Their cheery personas fall away and they become matter-of-fact. They shrug, then get to work cleaning up the coffee cups.]

LIZ: Worst case of denial I ever saw.

GREG: You said it, sister.

Cross-posted at The Confluence

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