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Monday, July 21, 2008

The Mother Of Us All: A Play In One Condescending Act.

THE SCENE: NANCY PELOSI's office. Like her home, it is tastefully furnished in pastels. Comfy chairs are placed strategically around her desk. PELOSI is sitting behind it, looking at her computer screen and humming slightly.

A knock is heard at the door.


PELOSI: Come in!

[HOWARD DEAN, HARRY REID and DONNA BRAZILE enter.]

PELOSI [smiling]: Hi, everyone! How's everything going? Is all well with Obama for America?

DEAN: Oh, absolutely, Nancy! That trip to Europe and the Middle East has the media creaming its collective pants.

BRAZILE: Oh, HELL yeah. Man, you should see the photo-ops our future President has been getting!

REID [muttering]: Yeah - too bad we can't tape his mouth shut.

PELOSI [sweetly]: What was that, Harry dear?

REID [sighing]: Nothing, Nancy. Anyway, the reason we're here -

PELOSI: Let me guess - PUMA?

[ALL FOUR SIGH SIMULTANEOUSLY. REID, DEAN AND BRAZILE sit down dispiritedly.]

DEAN: Nancy, we just don't know what to do.

BRAZILE: We've tried telling them we don't need them and to get over it -

REID: We've tried ignoring them -

DEAN: Nothing is working! They STILL say they won't vote for President Obama!

PELOSI [soothingly]: Now, now, everyone calm down. All they're looking for is a little reassurance that we respect and honor them. [rising] No offense, but I think what you need is a more motherly approach.

BRAZILE: I KNEW we came to the right place! Harry, I can't believe you didn't want to ask her.

REID [exasperated]: Jesus, Donna! The important thing is, we're here now. So, Nancy, what do you suggest?

PELOSI [sitting back down behind her desk]: Come back in 15 minutes. I promise you won't be disappointed. [PELOSI, BRAZILE AND REID file out of the office.]

[FIFTEEN MINUTES PASS. Another knock at the door.]

PELOSI: Come in, everyone!

[BRAZILE, DEAN AND REID come in and sit down expectantly.]

DEAN: Well, Nancy, what have you got for us?

PELOSI: Check it out! [rising, clearing her throat, pacing while reading]

"Dearest PUMAs,

Please do not worry about a thing. All your concerns will be addressed once President Obama has taken office. You should emulate that paragon of patriotism, Britney Spears, and just trust us with the future of your country. After all, we have done such a great job with our majority since 2006!

As for the Vice Presidentship, that is President Obama's decision, not yours. I hate to be stern with you, because we really value your unquestioning support, but you realize that we are in charge and not you, don't you? I mean, it's not like it would really matter anyway. Hillary is yesterday's news. We are moving forward into a new, post-partisan, unicorn-filled future with our young, handsome, charming rockstar candidate!

So why don't you all just give up and let us do whatever we want? Resistance is futile, and you will be assimilated.

Love and kisses,

Grandma Pelosi"

[PELOSI stops, and waits expectantly. DEAN, BRAZILE and REID sit in stunned silence. Then, happy, relieved smiles break over their faces.]

BRAZILE: Damn, Nancy, that was fantastic!

DEAN: Wow. Great, great job, Madame Speaker. The iron fist in the velvet glove.

REID: Yeah - even I've gotta admit, that was a stellar performance. Brava!

PELOSI [preening]: Well, this oughta fix their wagon. Nothing can stop Obama now!

[ALL FOUR LAUGH. The Princess phone on PELOSI's desk rings.]

PELOSI: Hello? Oh, Hillary, is that you? [EVERYONE stops laughing.] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-HUH. Well...um...of course that's your decision...uh...yes, yes, of course. I understand. [PELOSI hangs up the phone, shell-shocked.]

[brief pause while EVERYONE looks at PELOSI.]

REID [who can't take the tension any more]: Damnit, Nancy! What happened!

PELOSI: Well, um...it appears that Hillary has been getting an earful from her supporters. She has decided to place her name in nomination at the Convention, so that means...she could actually win instead of Barack.

[EVERYONE is mute with consternation.]

BRAZILE [breaking the silence]: Well, well, well. Looks like it's gonna be a very interesting summer.

[LIGHTS OUT]

5 comments:

HT said...

Wonderfully satirical, as are all your one act plays. Just thought I'd delurk and congratulate you on your talent - not just satire, but pinning down the core issue. Well done, and so very amusing.
I'm not an American, so am watching this election (in horror) from the sidelines. While Confluence, Angelachetel, Miq, BB, NQ, Uppity et al bring the serious side, you bring another layer...all equally important in my mind. Keep at it...back to lurking.

madamab said...

Thanks so much, HT! De-lurk anytime. :-)

sister of ye said...

Another winner! Especially the "resistance is futile..." line. I couldn't help but picture Ole Nance as the Borg Queen. Seems like there has to be a YouTube in there somewhere. Or maybe costume directions for a live performance.

Timmy B said...

PELOSI [sweetly]: What was that, Harry dear?

REID [sighing]: Nothing, Nancy. Anyway, the reason we're here -


Hee! "Sweetly", uh-huh. Do you know anyone with computer animation skills? YooToob does sound good. Doesn't need to be too fancy.


(are we going to see/read your interview?)

madamab said...

Hey Timmy B - unfortunately, the ball is now in Congresswoman Maloney's court. :-) So, I have to wait for her to get back to me with some answers.

I hope I don't have to wait TOO long...she is a really smart and progressive woman, and I am looking forward to sharing her insights with you all.